How to talk to your child about sex (age 5)

What to expect at this age

Kindergartners strongly identify with children of the same gender. They've figured out the basics about their bodies and the opposite sex's, but they still have many questions, from how babies are made to why Mommy and Daddy both have nipples (which is a good question).

Because they're in school now, 5-year-olds are also exposed to lots of opinions, ideas, and misconceptions that come from other children their own age and older. Their peers are becoming important to them at this age, so they're likely to put a great deal of faith in the "facts" that they hear from other kids, no matter how outrageous they are.

But kindergartners are also ready for slightly more sophisticated answers to their questions about sexuality now. And at this age they're still not too embarrassed to ask. (Parents are much more likely to be the ones blushing or avoiding the topic.)

This is also a great age to start teaching kids about a wider gender spectrum. This coloring bookOpens a new window can help you talk to your child about gender expressions that are under-represented in our current culture.

At the same time, a 5-year-old can't – and doesn't need to – grasp the actual mechanics of sex, they don't understand the emotions behind adult love, and they may be frightened by discussions of erections, periods, labor, and other bodily functions that they can't yet understand.

How to talk about it

Be calm and relaxed. It's best to be as matter-of-fact as possible when your child asks questions so that she doesn't get the message that talking to you about sex (or any other tricky topic) is embarrassing or taboo.

Of course, this is easier said than done. Many adults feel awkward talking about sex with their child because they don't have much practice doing it and because they're afraid of telling too much once a discussion gets going. The best strategy is to try to answer questions kindly and calmly, however unusual or embarrassing it seems.

If talking about sex is difficult for you, try rehearsing your answers in advance, either alone or with your spouse or partner. Take advantage of questions that come up when you're both at ease – in the family room while you're watching a video, at bath time, or during those quiet moments when you're tucking her into bed. The car is also a great place to talk, since having to keep your eyes on the road allows you to avoid eye contact, which may help you stay more relaxed.

"The important thing is for a parent to explain difficult topics without seeming anxious," says Jerome Kagan, professor of psychology at Harvard University. "The child is picking up the melody line, not the words."

Keep it simple. At this age, the best answers are short and uncomplicated. "How are babies made? Well, it's an amazing thing: A seed from the daddy and an egg from the mommy join together in the mom's tummy. That's where the baby grows – in a special sack there, called the womb."

While you don't want to sound like a doctor, you should use the correct names for body parts ("penis" and "vagina," not "wee-wee" or "pee-pee"). It will lessen any sense that sexual topics are off-limits and embarrassing.

Some kindergartners will be satisfied with that answer, others may follow up with, "Do you mean an egg like the ones in the refrigerator? Where does Daddy keep his seeds? Do you have to water them? Can the baby see or hear anything when she's in your tummy?"

Keep answering her questions as long as she shows interest, but don't overload her with information if she's ready to stop and go play with her baby dolls.

Encourage her interest. No matter what your child's question, try not to snap, "Where did you get that idea?" and don't try to steer the conversation elsewhere. Either way, your child will get the message that her questions are taboo, and that she's bad for even thinking of them.

"You want to be an 'ask-able' parent," says Pepper Schwartz, a sociology professor at the University of Washington in Seattle and coauthor of Ten Talks Parents Must Have With Their Children About Sex and Character.

"Your kid should know you love this kind of conversation. She's constantly forming pictures in her mind of what reality is – and they're not always accurate. You want to be there to give her the truth and assuage any worries."

So answer her questions and praise her for asking: "What a good question! Ask me some more any time you want to." If you don't know the answer, tell her honestly, "I'm not sure, but let's go look it up together."

Of course, you never know when her questions will pop up. Right in the middle of a crowd at the baby shower, she may demand to know how Aunt Rachel's baby is going to get out of her tummy. Even if your child creates an embarrassing situation for you, try not to put her off – the adults within earshot have heard it all before, and your priority is to make your child feel she can talk to you about anything.

Your willingness to talk honestly with your child is an ongoing gift she'll need as she steers her way through the confusions of childhood, adolescence, and beyond.

Use everyday opportunities. You don't have to wait for your child to start asking all the questions. At this age she may already know a fair amount about sexuality and reproduction simply by having watched the mommy goat nursing her baby at the zoo or by asking you about the broken bird's egg she found on the sidewalk.

Many children's books and movies also provide opportunities for talking about babies and how they are born. Some parents use story time to look at children's books that are specifically about reproduction.

Teach privacy. Your kindergartner understands the occasional need for "private time," and she should know that she needs to knock before coming in when your door is closed.

Be sure to follow the same rule yourself when your child has shut her door. She may or may not really desire privacy at this age, but she'll better understand the household rule if you follow it, too.

A kindergartner should also know that her private parts are private, and that no one should touch her there but her parents or her doctor, and then only for help after using the toilet or for a checkup. Let her know that if anyone else tries to touch her there, she can and should say no, and she should tell you or another trusted adult nearby.

What kids ask ... What parents answer

"Sarah told me at recess that God brings babies to their moms and dads. Is that true?" By this time, your kindergartner may have progressed beyond "Where do babies come from?"

She knows they come from their mother's body. But she's also trying to evaluate information she's hearing on the playground.

You can explain some of the other ways of thinking about procreation, while reminding her of what she's already learned from you: "Remember, we talked about babies growing from one of the daddy's seeds and one of the mommy's eggs? Well, that's true. But many people also believe that children are a gift from God, and I think that's true, too," or however your faith informs this question.

Of course, children of this age vary widely in their curiosity about sexual matters and in how much they'll ask about, so don't be concerned if your child is still at the "Where do babies come from?" stage or if she's advanced as far as "What's sex?"

"What is sex?" A kindergartner is most apt to ask this question if something she's seen or heard – usually from an older child or from TV – introduces the idea. Don't shy away from the question, although she's still too young to be able to understand details.

Tell her, "Sex is a kind of cuddling grownups do to show how much they love each other. Sometimes a man and a woman can make a baby when they have sex." Related questions include, "Why do people have sex? What's making love? Is sex what you do in bed?"

"Can you show me how you make a baby?" Once she's heard about the "special way" grownups cuddle and kiss and make babies, it's not much of a leap for an inquisitive 5-year-old to want to see a real-life demonstration. Be kind, but direct.

"No. Adults make babies during private time together alone. At times like that they like to cuddle to show each other how much they love each other. That's how we made you – but it was during special alone-time for us."

"Can I have a baby?" Here you can introduce information about the different abilities of children's and adults' bodies. "No, making babies is something only grown-ups can do. Your body isn't ready yet, but it will be when you're older."

Similar questions include, "Can daddies have babies? Can I have a baby when I'm old enough to get my ears pierced? How come you and I don't make babies when you kiss me good-bye at school?" ("Because the way grownups hug and kiss when they're making a baby is very different from that, and because only two adult bodies can make a baby.")

"How is the new baby going to get out of your tummy?" Kindergartners are fascinated with pregnancy and birth, and they may envision anything from Mom vomiting up the baby to a doctor unzipping Mom's tummy and letting the baby walk out.

The simplest answer is, "Our baby will be ready to be born when he needs more food than he can get from Mommy's tummy, and when he's too big to fit inside anymore. Then Mommy will go to the hospital, where the doctors can help the baby be born. Grandma will look after you for two or three days, then Mommy and the new baby will come home and we'll all be together."

Some children who really want more details may be ready to hear, "Strong muscles in my tummy will push the baby down my vagina, and out from between my legs. It will take a few hours, and I'll go to the hospital so the doctors can help the baby come out and give him a checkup right away."

Other questions about pregnancy include, "Is the baby lonely in there? Is he hungry? Does he sleep inside your tummy? What does he look like now? Why doesn't he fall out when you pee? Can he hear me when I talk to your tummy?"

"What are you and Daddy doing?" Many parents dread that their child might walk in on them during sex. It's a common occurrence.

It's nearly impossible not to get flustered, but give it a try (and then get a lock for the bedroom door). "We were making love, showing how much we love each other. We usually lock the door because that's private, but this time we just forgot."

Depending on your child's reaction, you can ask, "Did that upset you? Is there anything else you need?"

Make sure your child isn't scared or worried by what she saw, and be sure to emphasize that she didn't do anything wrong. (Don't chide, "You should have knocked!")

Depending on what she saw, a child's response to seeing you making love might range from an upset, "Were you hurting each other?" to a curious "Why were you making that noise?" or "Were you wrestling?"

If your child seems unconcerned, it's okay not to go into an explanation of what was going on. She may not have seen much if the room was dark and you were under the covers. It's enough to say simply, "We were having some special time together," or "We were just hugging because we love each other."