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Beyond Birds and Bees: Bringing Home a New Message to Our Kids About Sex, Love, and Equality
A provocative inquiry into how we teach our children about bodies, sex, relationships and equality—with revelatory, practical takeaways from the author's research and eye-opening observations from the world-famous Dutch approach
Award-winning author Bonnie J. Rough never expected to write a book about sex, but life handed her a revelation too vital to ignore. As an American parent grappling with concerns about raising children in a society steeped in stereotypes and sexual shame, she couldn’t quite picture how to teach the facts of life with a fearless, easygoing, positive attitude. Then a job change relocated her family to Amsterdam, where she soon witnessed the relaxed and egalitarian sexual attitudes of the Dutch. There, she discovered, children learn from babyhood that bodies are normal, the world’s best sex ed begins in kindergarten, cooties are a foreign concept, puberty is no big surprise, and questions about sex are welcome at the dinner table.
In Beyond Birds and Bees, Rough reveals how although normalizing human sexuality may sound risky, doing so actually prevents unintended consequences, leads to better health and success for our children, and lays the foundation for a future of gender equality. Exploring how the Dutch example translates to American life, Rough highlights a growing wave of ambitious American parents, educators, and influencers poised to transform sex ed—and our society—for the better, and shows how families everywhere can give a modern lift to the birds and bees.
Down to earth and up to the minute with our profound new cultural conversations about gender, sex, power, autonomy, diversity, and consent, Rough’s careful research and engaging storytelling illuminate a forward path for a groundbreaking generation of Americans who want clear examples and actionable steps for how to support children’s sexual development—and overall wellbeing—from birth onward at home, in schools, and across our evolving culture.
Award-winning author Bonnie J. Rough never expected to write a book about sex, but life handed her a revelation too vital to ignore. As an American parent grappling with concerns about raising children in a society steeped in stereotypes and sexual shame, she couldn’t quite picture how to teach the facts of life with a fearless, easygoing, positive attitude. Then a job change relocated her family to Amsterdam, where she soon witnessed the relaxed and egalitarian sexual attitudes of the Dutch. There, she discovered, children learn from babyhood that bodies are normal, the world’s best sex ed begins in kindergarten, cooties are a foreign concept, puberty is no big surprise, and questions about sex are welcome at the dinner table.
In Beyond Birds and Bees, Rough reveals how although normalizing human sexuality may sound risky, doing so actually prevents unintended consequences, leads to better health and success for our children, and lays the foundation for a future of gender equality. Exploring how the Dutch example translates to American life, Rough highlights a growing wave of ambitious American parents, educators, and influencers poised to transform sex ed—and our society—for the better, and shows how families everywhere can give a modern lift to the birds and bees.
Down to earth and up to the minute with our profound new cultural conversations about gender, sex, power, autonomy, diversity, and consent, Rough’s careful research and engaging storytelling illuminate a forward path for a groundbreaking generation of Americans who want clear examples and actionable steps for how to support children’s sexual development—and overall wellbeing—from birth onward at home, in schools, and across our evolving culture.
320 pages, Paperback
First published August 21, 2018
About the author
Bonnie J. Rough
3 books16 followersBONNIE J. ROUGH is the author of Beyond Birds & Bees: Bringing Home a New Message to Our Kids About Sex, Love, and Equality, forthcoming from Seal Press/Hachette at back-to-school 2018. Her previous books include The Girls, Alone: Six Days in Estonia, selected by Amazon as one of the Best Kindle Singles of 2015, and the memoir Carrier: Untangling the Danger in My DNA (Counterpoint), winner of a 2011 Minnesota Book Award. A former journalist with an MFA in Nonfiction Writing from the University of Iowa, her work has appeared in numerous anthologies including The Best American Science and Nature Writing, The Best Creative Nonfiction, and Modern Love. Her essays have appeared in dozens of publications including The New York Times; Huffington Post; The Sun; Brain, Child; The Iowa Review; Florida Review; and Brevity. She also writes essay-reviews for the Seattle Review of Books. Rough's essays and talks on subjects ranging from science and sexuality to parenting and the writer’s life have reached audiences across the U.S. and abroad. Born and raised in the Pacific Northwest, she has lived in the Midwest and in the Netherlands and now resides in Seattle with her family. She teaches in the low-residency MFA program at Ashland University.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 61 reviews
October 17, 2021
Wow, this book was heterosexual. The perspective was so, so much more straight than I was expecting, and so most of the book wasn’t relatable.
It was an advice book second, and a memoir-y research-y book first. The author is a married straight who begins the narrative deeply uncomfortable talking to her young daughters anything having to do with sex and bodies, including the right names for genitals and reproductive organs. Then she moves to Amsterdam briefly and realizes the Dutch are way more open about sexuality and bodies and have comprehensive sex ed and her eyes are opened to how much better everything is because of that. The book is mainly her personal experiences and research about sex ed in the US vs the Netherlands and the research on outcomes related to this.
Nevertheless, I would recommend this book to most straights, or any parents uncomfortable with talking to kids about sexuality. It’s great when that’s your starting place. I didn’t like the frame of straight sexuality as a starting point and queer frames being like a secondary add-on, but it’s impossible to find any mainstream sex ed for kids that doesn’t do that. The most offensive part was in talking about teen sexuality, with a weird fixation on monogamy and a slut-shame-y focus on reducing “promiscuity” which seemed to contradict some of the book’s basic premises.
The two things that seemed most “radical”/useful:
1) let kids masturbate in public space rather than telling them they can do it in private, when young kids have no concept of privacy. This was the page I was already on, but I hear a lot of people go with “that’s fine but must be done in private,” so it was good to hear an alternate perspective.
2) THIS WAS THE MOST USEFUL PART and I don’t think I really had a good handle on how to think about this before this book: sex play between young kids of similar ages is normal and rarely harmful and does not have to be disallowed. Apparently the Dutch recommend just being clear on the rules: must be fully consensual by all, must not inflict any pain, and nothing in orifices. That’s it. I think I felt confused about potential for abuse in how to think about this, but it makes so much more sense to focus on consent. The confusing thing is that most other parents aren’t cool this kind of play, so that’s a thing to navigate.
Otherwise my main takeaway from this book is that straight people are so weird about sex. :/
It was an advice book second, and a memoir-y research-y book first. The author is a married straight who begins the narrative deeply uncomfortable talking to her young daughters anything having to do with sex and bodies, including the right names for genitals and reproductive organs. Then she moves to Amsterdam briefly and realizes the Dutch are way more open about sexuality and bodies and have comprehensive sex ed and her eyes are opened to how much better everything is because of that. The book is mainly her personal experiences and research about sex ed in the US vs the Netherlands and the research on outcomes related to this.
Nevertheless, I would recommend this book to most straights, or any parents uncomfortable with talking to kids about sexuality. It’s great when that’s your starting place. I didn’t like the frame of straight sexuality as a starting point and queer frames being like a secondary add-on, but it’s impossible to find any mainstream sex ed for kids that doesn’t do that. The most offensive part was in talking about teen sexuality, with a weird fixation on monogamy and a slut-shame-y focus on reducing “promiscuity” which seemed to contradict some of the book’s basic premises.
The two things that seemed most “radical”/useful:
1) let kids masturbate in public space rather than telling them they can do it in private, when young kids have no concept of privacy. This was the page I was already on, but I hear a lot of people go with “that’s fine but must be done in private,” so it was good to hear an alternate perspective.
2) THIS WAS THE MOST USEFUL PART and I don’t think I really had a good handle on how to think about this before this book: sex play between young kids of similar ages is normal and rarely harmful and does not have to be disallowed. Apparently the Dutch recommend just being clear on the rules: must be fully consensual by all, must not inflict any pain, and nothing in orifices. That’s it. I think I felt confused about potential for abuse in how to think about this, but it makes so much more sense to focus on consent. The confusing thing is that most other parents aren’t cool this kind of play, so that’s a thing to navigate.
Otherwise my main takeaway from this book is that straight people are so weird about sex. :/
January 14, 2019
I'm really surprised this didn't get more press, because I found it interesting on a intellectual and political level and informative, thought-provoking, and relatable as a parent. Rough strikes a nice balance between personal anecdotes and research-based information (although I did wish she'd cited her sources a little more clearly). I think of myself as pretty liberal when it comes to sex ed and still found myself interrogating my own discomfort and hesitation. Lots of usable, practical ideas and some compelling big picture stuff too.
I do wish she'd had more suggestions about ways to push for broader social change, because one thing that really hit home for me is that I can do as an individual parent will only take my child so far - the culture that surrounds her will also impact her perception and understanding of gender, sex, and sexuality.
Very nice audiobook, too.
I do wish she'd had more suggestions about ways to push for broader social change, because one thing that really hit home for me is that I can do as an individual parent will only take my child so far - the culture that surrounds her will also impact her perception and understanding of gender, sex, and sexuality.
Very nice audiobook, too.
February 20, 2023
This book forced me to contemplate my assumptions and reconsider how, when, and what I’ll discuss with my children. At its core, this book argues Americans (parents, school districts, and society) have much they can learn from the Dutch, whose progressive, no frills, sex education curriculum has resulted in some startling statistics. I especially enjoyed chapters 3, 4, and 7 or 8.
June 3, 2021
As a preschool educator, I was intrigued by the premise of this book to model and teach healthy, affirming sex-ed to young children, aiding in the development of their autonomy, self-understanding, and sense of their own bodies.
Rough is clearly passionate about this topic and committed to research; I appreciated the PAGES and PAGES of easily referenceable research in the appendix. And integrations of her personal experiences as a mother and member of both American and Dutch social circles, while not necessarily resonant with me on some levels, gave interesting perspective into where she as an author is coming from, and the ways in which the issues of "sex, love, and equality" intersected with her personal life. I appreciated her candidness in discussing her own journey as a parent confronting the way she was raised, and the ideas she had been indoctrinated into surrounding sex and love, and ultimately: the stumbles in finding a different path for her own children. For my own work, I especially valued the parental perspective. As mentioned by other reviewers, I found some of the ultra-specific solutions to issues I anticipate encountering very helpful: such as how to address kids "playing doctor": okay as long as these guidelines are met; everyone must want to play, nothing will go in orifices, and boundaries must always be respected. To not frame diaper moments as gross, or dirty, but everyday bodily functions (refer to diapers only as "full" or "empty") so as not to instill bodily shame in the children accidentally. Among many others, which I will remember and reference at work. These points of the book are engaging and thoughtful.
However. There were some points where this book did not do it for me.
Firstly, as committed to the research process as Rough is, and seeking input for the development of her writings (interviewing people, etc), she was not similarly committed to employing consultants for her work. Specifically, trans and BIPOC consultants. There were many bits in this book that were just disappointing to read.
> She makes an effort to be inclusive of trans identities, but makes many easily fixable mistakes such as "adolescents with female reproductive organs" -- Rough is clearly making an attempt to include nonbinary and trans people with this type of language, but misses the mark totally. Calling a reference to her first few chapters: naming anatomy is important. There's no need to be scared of it. Just say "adolescents with uteruses and/or vaginas." Or, if you don't want to reference anatomy Directly, but still be respectful to trans people: "adolescents assigned female at birth." That's only one example, but there. Options. Honestly, it wouldn't be so irritating if she didn't turn around to then state some truths about the trans experience, such as the idea that not every child born into a binary gender ends up identifying that way. There are just a proliferation of microagressions in the midst of liberal framework. This also concerns me because I think a non-trans reader may get the impression that the harmful phraseology she uses is okay to use themselves, due to that liberal surround. Also, I found it strange that she supported the idea that preschoolers are not ready to learn the difference between sex and gender, and that it is effective to teach their interchangeability, only correcting the mistake years later in schooling. Children thrive off concepts that build off of each other. Telling a young student something and then later saying that it’s “more complicated” only affirms that the previous idea was essentially true, just basic. In the case of equating gender and sex, it’s a lie. Just because some adults find the idea of trans people hard to swallow because of their social indoctrination doesn’t mean that children will. And if the concept doesn’t take? As Rough says, “children only take in what they’re ready for.”
> This book is EXTREMELY Eurocentric. Maybe being bothered by this is on me for choosing a book that is specifically focused on the Dutch approach of sex-ed, but I was taken aback by HOW much. There are continuous suggestions that the "European method" is the superior, and the argument that sex-ed should become more "European than Puritanical." I get the idea here --sex-ed needs to be freer, not more conservative-- but the Puritan ideology emerged FROM Europe. Other than a brief acknowledgement that the Dutch method isn't perfect, there are no discussions of its shortcomings or alternatives, or acknowledgement of issues within Dutch culture. In fact, her portrayal of the Dutch culture is one of an ideal, egalitarian society. Perfect. However, the Netherlands is far from this: more than a quarter of Dutch citizens report experiencing racial prejudice in the 2020 National Report of Experienced Racism. Where racism lies, other oppressive systemic realities proliferate too. This alone necessitates a close examination, and questioning, of the emergent Dutch sex-ed methods: questions that come to mind for me are, which students are these working for? Are the statistics Rough references only taken from the experiences of white children? What are students of varied backgrounds/identities saying about these methods, and how they are taught? Also speaking of the "American method" as a monolith and using "we" to discuss the ways that children are introduced to a culture of sex that is much more shame-based and secretive danced around the issue for me: firstly, Rough speaks as if everyone has experienced the same issues and has the same concerns in raising their children, which is untrue. Secondly, the issue that Rough identifies is one that directly stems from oppressive power structures, white supremacy being capital: the ideas of sexual purity, over-sexualization, and "preserving childrens' innocence" all harken back to colonial ideals. Although this is not her area of expertise (and because of that it, again, would have been very helpful to have hired a consultant, or co-wrote the book with someone who does), I think there was significance missed by failing to at the very least acknowledge that all women do not experience the world under ONLY the male gaze -- the way that she spoke of raising assertive and liberated daughters was very White Feminist. Some peoples' daughters need to also navigate their sexuality within misogynoir, sinophobia, transphobia, homophobia, xenophobia, religious discrimination, and countless other forms of oppression. I don't think just avoiding this reality was the way to go. In addition, there are realities existing alongside a lack of comprehensive sexual education curriculum that contribute to statistics she references. For instance, in terms of unwanted teen birth rates and teen STI rates, low income background is a defining factor. Also, intersecting/paralleling to this, systemic racism creates disparities in this issue as in every other. Addressing the issue of sex-ed to serve the white, wealthy student, from a white perspective, does not help those most impacted by it (Makes me think of the Seattle conversation curricula about puberty that Rough mentioned. It is $$$, outside of school, and serves majority white suburban populations. How much good is this program doing if it isn't expanded to be remotely accessible? Just giving another tool to students that have access to the most already). In general: this is all not something that one author can cover -- an acknowledgement/discussion of this by voices other than hers would have strengthened the book's exploration.
All of this weakened the book significantly, and made me wonder just HOW Rough could have gone through so many leagues of research and still ended with a result so entrenched in her own perspective. To be clear, I recognize the benefits to writing from one's own perspective, and appreciate the slice-of-life elements in this book, but especially in a work of nonfiction strongly believe they must be balanced with facets of the topic that intersect beyond oneself. There are brief interactions mentioned, but those are mostly populated by her surprise at what's happening in the classrooms disrupting her preconceived notions about specific communities, such as Muslim families and Catholic, Republican Latinx families. I'm left wishing for much more perspective in the way that sex-ed issues are being discussed. A lot of this writing can feel inextricably hedged in Rough's perspective on what is revolutionary and NEW as a white, straight, cisgender, middle/upper middle class woman. I think it would have been much more successful if co-written with other researchers (and/or mothers) of varying backgrounds/identities to add nuance to the discussion.
As another commenter said, this book also has a strange promotion of monogamy and discouragement of "promiscuity," which, as they mentioned, seemed antithetical to the entire message. I was jarred by one reason to support teen sexuality as a family: "to help (...) kids avoid promiscuity and practice respectful monogamy," going on to talk about the necessity of courtship in monogamy and integrating that into the family unit. That term "promiscuious" emerged from societal judgement over (women, specifically) having multiple sexual partners. If the goal is to encourage healthy exploration of autonomy, bodies, and sexuality, putting a boundary of monogamy upon that, and shaming teens for exploring outside of that seems, again, antithetical. Not everyone has the same desires for number of partners and/or a presence of courtship in their sexual encounters. I think Rough let her own biases impede her main argument here: youth need to be supported unconditionally in their explorations.
My conclusion: I appreciate the level of research that went into this book, and the vulnerability that Rough shares with readers. Ultimately, I'd say it is a read for those who know and accept upfront that they are going to see the issue of sex-ed only through Rough's (limited) eyes throughout the book, are willing to wade through that to maybe pull out some actionable items, and will seek out additional sources. And as a bonus: a built-in lesson on microagressions. ;-)
Rough is clearly passionate about this topic and committed to research; I appreciated the PAGES and PAGES of easily referenceable research in the appendix. And integrations of her personal experiences as a mother and member of both American and Dutch social circles, while not necessarily resonant with me on some levels, gave interesting perspective into where she as an author is coming from, and the ways in which the issues of "sex, love, and equality" intersected with her personal life. I appreciated her candidness in discussing her own journey as a parent confronting the way she was raised, and the ideas she had been indoctrinated into surrounding sex and love, and ultimately: the stumbles in finding a different path for her own children. For my own work, I especially valued the parental perspective. As mentioned by other reviewers, I found some of the ultra-specific solutions to issues I anticipate encountering very helpful: such as how to address kids "playing doctor": okay as long as these guidelines are met; everyone must want to play, nothing will go in orifices, and boundaries must always be respected. To not frame diaper moments as gross, or dirty, but everyday bodily functions (refer to diapers only as "full" or "empty") so as not to instill bodily shame in the children accidentally. Among many others, which I will remember and reference at work. These points of the book are engaging and thoughtful.
However. There were some points where this book did not do it for me.
Firstly, as committed to the research process as Rough is, and seeking input for the development of her writings (interviewing people, etc), she was not similarly committed to employing consultants for her work. Specifically, trans and BIPOC consultants. There were many bits in this book that were just disappointing to read.
> She makes an effort to be inclusive of trans identities, but makes many easily fixable mistakes such as "adolescents with female reproductive organs" -- Rough is clearly making an attempt to include nonbinary and trans people with this type of language, but misses the mark totally. Calling a reference to her first few chapters: naming anatomy is important. There's no need to be scared of it. Just say "adolescents with uteruses and/or vaginas." Or, if you don't want to reference anatomy Directly, but still be respectful to trans people: "adolescents assigned female at birth." That's only one example, but there. Options. Honestly, it wouldn't be so irritating if she didn't turn around to then state some truths about the trans experience, such as the idea that not every child born into a binary gender ends up identifying that way. There are just a proliferation of microagressions in the midst of liberal framework. This also concerns me because I think a non-trans reader may get the impression that the harmful phraseology she uses is okay to use themselves, due to that liberal surround. Also, I found it strange that she supported the idea that preschoolers are not ready to learn the difference between sex and gender, and that it is effective to teach their interchangeability, only correcting the mistake years later in schooling. Children thrive off concepts that build off of each other. Telling a young student something and then later saying that it’s “more complicated” only affirms that the previous idea was essentially true, just basic. In the case of equating gender and sex, it’s a lie. Just because some adults find the idea of trans people hard to swallow because of their social indoctrination doesn’t mean that children will. And if the concept doesn’t take? As Rough says, “children only take in what they’re ready for.”
> This book is EXTREMELY Eurocentric. Maybe being bothered by this is on me for choosing a book that is specifically focused on the Dutch approach of sex-ed, but I was taken aback by HOW much. There are continuous suggestions that the "European method" is the superior, and the argument that sex-ed should become more "European than Puritanical." I get the idea here --sex-ed needs to be freer, not more conservative-- but the Puritan ideology emerged FROM Europe. Other than a brief acknowledgement that the Dutch method isn't perfect, there are no discussions of its shortcomings or alternatives, or acknowledgement of issues within Dutch culture. In fact, her portrayal of the Dutch culture is one of an ideal, egalitarian society. Perfect. However, the Netherlands is far from this: more than a quarter of Dutch citizens report experiencing racial prejudice in the 2020 National Report of Experienced Racism. Where racism lies, other oppressive systemic realities proliferate too. This alone necessitates a close examination, and questioning, of the emergent Dutch sex-ed methods: questions that come to mind for me are, which students are these working for? Are the statistics Rough references only taken from the experiences of white children? What are students of varied backgrounds/identities saying about these methods, and how they are taught? Also speaking of the "American method" as a monolith and using "we" to discuss the ways that children are introduced to a culture of sex that is much more shame-based and secretive danced around the issue for me: firstly, Rough speaks as if everyone has experienced the same issues and has the same concerns in raising their children, which is untrue. Secondly, the issue that Rough identifies is one that directly stems from oppressive power structures, white supremacy being capital: the ideas of sexual purity, over-sexualization, and "preserving childrens' innocence" all harken back to colonial ideals. Although this is not her area of expertise (and because of that it, again, would have been very helpful to have hired a consultant, or co-wrote the book with someone who does), I think there was significance missed by failing to at the very least acknowledge that all women do not experience the world under ONLY the male gaze -- the way that she spoke of raising assertive and liberated daughters was very White Feminist. Some peoples' daughters need to also navigate their sexuality within misogynoir, sinophobia, transphobia, homophobia, xenophobia, religious discrimination, and countless other forms of oppression. I don't think just avoiding this reality was the way to go. In addition, there are realities existing alongside a lack of comprehensive sexual education curriculum that contribute to statistics she references. For instance, in terms of unwanted teen birth rates and teen STI rates, low income background is a defining factor. Also, intersecting/paralleling to this, systemic racism creates disparities in this issue as in every other. Addressing the issue of sex-ed to serve the white, wealthy student, from a white perspective, does not help those most impacted by it (Makes me think of the Seattle conversation curricula about puberty that Rough mentioned. It is $$$, outside of school, and serves majority white suburban populations. How much good is this program doing if it isn't expanded to be remotely accessible? Just giving another tool to students that have access to the most already). In general: this is all not something that one author can cover -- an acknowledgement/discussion of this by voices other than hers would have strengthened the book's exploration.
All of this weakened the book significantly, and made me wonder just HOW Rough could have gone through so many leagues of research and still ended with a result so entrenched in her own perspective. To be clear, I recognize the benefits to writing from one's own perspective, and appreciate the slice-of-life elements in this book, but especially in a work of nonfiction strongly believe they must be balanced with facets of the topic that intersect beyond oneself. There are brief interactions mentioned, but those are mostly populated by her surprise at what's happening in the classrooms disrupting her preconceived notions about specific communities, such as Muslim families and Catholic, Republican Latinx families. I'm left wishing for much more perspective in the way that sex-ed issues are being discussed. A lot of this writing can feel inextricably hedged in Rough's perspective on what is revolutionary and NEW as a white, straight, cisgender, middle/upper middle class woman. I think it would have been much more successful if co-written with other researchers (and/or mothers) of varying backgrounds/identities to add nuance to the discussion.
As another commenter said, this book also has a strange promotion of monogamy and discouragement of "promiscuity," which, as they mentioned, seemed antithetical to the entire message. I was jarred by one reason to support teen sexuality as a family: "to help (...) kids avoid promiscuity and practice respectful monogamy," going on to talk about the necessity of courtship in monogamy and integrating that into the family unit. That term "promiscuious" emerged from societal judgement over (women, specifically) having multiple sexual partners. If the goal is to encourage healthy exploration of autonomy, bodies, and sexuality, putting a boundary of monogamy upon that, and shaming teens for exploring outside of that seems, again, antithetical. Not everyone has the same desires for number of partners and/or a presence of courtship in their sexual encounters. I think Rough let her own biases impede her main argument here: youth need to be supported unconditionally in their explorations.
My conclusion: I appreciate the level of research that went into this book, and the vulnerability that Rough shares with readers. Ultimately, I'd say it is a read for those who know and accept upfront that they are going to see the issue of sex-ed only through Rough's (limited) eyes throughout the book, are willing to wade through that to maybe pull out some actionable items, and will seek out additional sources. And as a bonus: a built-in lesson on microagressions. ;-)
March 15, 2021
I found the book useful and informative and I anticipate that it will influence how and when I handle these kinds of topics. I agreed with many of the writer's arguments, though not every last one.
I wasn't completely sold on the presentation. The first two chapters consisted mainly of the writer reminiscing about her glorious stint as an expat in Amsterdam: you could easily skip those chapters and save time by starting at Chapter 3.
I also felt that she failed on multiple occasions to use plain language - ironically, given that one of her key arguments is that we should use plain language when we discuss these topics. She falls back on informal or elliptical language that left me unclear at times what point she was trying to make.
My hunch is that idiomatic language like this is often specific to a given culture or region and so, while the meaning might be clear to English speakers raised in the US, it will be more opaque for English speakers from other countries. Still, removing some of the cute language would make the narrative easier for everyone to follow.
I wasn't completely sold on the presentation. The first two chapters consisted mainly of the writer reminiscing about her glorious stint as an expat in Amsterdam: you could easily skip those chapters and save time by starting at Chapter 3.
I also felt that she failed on multiple occasions to use plain language - ironically, given that one of her key arguments is that we should use plain language when we discuss these topics. She falls back on informal or elliptical language that left me unclear at times what point she was trying to make.
My hunch is that idiomatic language like this is often specific to a given culture or region and so, while the meaning might be clear to English speakers raised in the US, it will be more opaque for English speakers from other countries. Still, removing some of the cute language would make the narrative easier for everyone to follow.
August 25, 2023
SUPER HIGHLY RECOMMEND if you have kids of ANY age, not just preteens. The younger, the better actually if you want to give your kids a foundation of health and self-esteem when it comes to bodies, relationships, and sex.
Based in the author's disparate experiences between living and raising kids in the US and the Netherlands, not all of her choices will be palatable for the average American parents. Even so, her research, thought process, and explanations are worthy of consideration as you navigate these crucial topics with your kids.
If any of my friends would like me to gift this to them on Libro.fm, please reach out!
Based in the author's disparate experiences between living and raising kids in the US and the Netherlands, not all of her choices will be palatable for the average American parents. Even so, her research, thought process, and explanations are worthy of consideration as you navigate these crucial topics with your kids.
If any of my friends would like me to gift this to them on Libro.fm, please reach out!
February 13, 2019
This book was fantastic and so different than our American culture. It’s given me a lot to think about. One more reason to move to Amsterdam!
June 10, 2021
I read this one through the lens of being a Health teacher (not a parent) and loved it! I do highly recommend this one for all parents though, and not waiting to read it until they are older, since so much of learning about bodies can and should begin right away. It’s got lots of good information, but is also kind of a memoir with lots of personal anecdotes that keep it engaging.
May 23, 2022
This is a must read-especially for parents. It is a thought provoking book guised as a sex-ed book that examines the lens in which American Culture views relationships, gender and sex and the resulting inequalities. The author provides hope in the form of suggestions, resources and open dialog that is empowering. This timely book should be on parenting, educator and healthcare reading lists.
May 4, 2020
i had to read this book for my gender studies class about how the u.s can learn and improve from the netherlands, and i ended up doing my term project over how the u.s can provide better comprehensive sexuality education and this book was super helpful! even if i hadn’t used it for class, i would have probably picked it up and still read it because i love reading anything having to do with gender studies. i also already strongly believed in bettering sex ed in the u.s and this book expressed so many of my feelings. it was written very well, as if it was a friend talking to me, and the sarcasm was very funny. i highly recommend this because it is so eye opening! now i’m in the mood to read my other gender studies related books i own!
April 20, 2018
My kids are teenagers, closer to using condoms (yikes!) than diapers, so part of me would like to stick my fingers in my ears and say “Nah-nah-nah, I can’t hear you!” when the topic of teenage sexuality arises, but Bonnie Rough’s smart, funny, and wonderfully accessible book instead makes me want to talk to my kids all the more. What a gift! She doesn’t shy away from complicated topics, and her warmth, candor, and self-effacing tone will make any parent, whatever the age of their children, feel well supported as they embark on these rich conversations about sex, love, and equality.
[I know the author, and received an advance copy of the book to review.]
[I know the author, and received an advance copy of the book to review.]
October 2, 2018
Love this book--especially now. Covers everything from straight-talking with toddlers to considering what we want FOR our teens--instead of what we don't want, which is the American way of looking at it. Definitely a good addition to the parenting shelf.
January 7, 2019
I tend to avoid reading parenting books for the super craven reason that I hate to find out that I’ve been doing things wrong this whole time. Classy, right? But I truly want to do better, better compared to how I’ve been bumping along so far and better compared to my own parents. Guess how many times my parents talked to me about sex? Zero. Yeah. Super. But since I was super reader as well as super sneaky, I ended up more or less okay. But I don’t want my poor kids learning about sex from the backs of cereal boxes or from the wild, wild west that is the internet. Not without me weighing in on all damaging messaging and toxic standards that our society is wallowing in. Most of all, I want to make sure my kids don’t grow up feeling that free-floating sense of shame that so many of us did when it came to sex and our bodies. I don’t know precisely where it started or how to stop it, but books like this one Beyond the Birds & the Bees really helped me sit down and say “wait a minute. Why are things like when they don’t have to be?” Bonnie Rough doesn’t necessarily lay out scripts for talking to your kids, or tell you all the technical topics you need to bring up, but she relates out how she started examining her own prejudices and baggage and trying to diffuse the messaging that we all received that our bodies should be hidden, that they’re shameful, and that we can’t talk about such things between parents and kids. I read this book one chapter a day, because it was difficult to really confront all the ideas that she brought up and reflect on just why we as a culture have trouble talking to our kids. I highly recommend this book not just so you can figure out what to say to your kids, but so you can start sorting through your own hang-ups and better decide which parts of your own upbringing you want to keep and which parts need to be discarded and buried in the backyard, never to be shared or spoken of.
May 9, 2019
Part memoir, part essay on best practices in sex education (and a range of related topics such as body-positivity and cross-gender friendships), this book covers the author’s experiences raising two girls in Minneapolis, Amsterdam, and Seattle, and her research and reflections on the virtues of the more open Dutch approach to all things sex and gender related. Much of the material focuses on the differences between Dutch and American culture, and how she feels that her family has benefited from adopting more ‘Dutch’ attitudes to things like normalising nonsexual nudity, using accurate language for body parts, and teaching the mechanics of reproduction from an early age.
Seattle, where I live, has a prevailing culture around sex education that is pretty liberal and open, which I’m generally in agreement with. Despite this, I was surprised to find that there was still some material here that I found challenging at first glance: her Dutch sources encourage parents to accept children ‘playing doctor’ (after laying down ground rules around consent and safety), and even allow teenage boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers. The book goes on to present persuasive arguments in support of these choices, leading me to realise that my discomfort was emotional rather than logical – I suspect these are questions that I’ll be giving a lot more thought to as our children continue to grow up!
I enjoyed reading this (I felt that she struck a good balance between well-researched and engagingly written) and came away with questions to ponder further and also several clear next actions, some of which – like practising throwing and catching with our daughter – wouldn’t obviously spring to mind from a consideration of sex education, but seemed to fit naturally from the way the author’s exploration of the subject spiralled outwards to encompass parenting in support of healthy relationships and gender equality.
Seattle, where I live, has a prevailing culture around sex education that is pretty liberal and open, which I’m generally in agreement with. Despite this, I was surprised to find that there was still some material here that I found challenging at first glance: her Dutch sources encourage parents to accept children ‘playing doctor’ (after laying down ground rules around consent and safety), and even allow teenage boyfriend/girlfriend sleepovers. The book goes on to present persuasive arguments in support of these choices, leading me to realise that my discomfort was emotional rather than logical – I suspect these are questions that I’ll be giving a lot more thought to as our children continue to grow up!
I enjoyed reading this (I felt that she struck a good balance between well-researched and engagingly written) and came away with questions to ponder further and also several clear next actions, some of which – like practising throwing and catching with our daughter – wouldn’t obviously spring to mind from a consideration of sex education, but seemed to fit naturally from the way the author’s exploration of the subject spiralled outwards to encompass parenting in support of healthy relationships and gender equality.
January 14, 2019
Highly recommend this book for parents of young children (or any age; don’t assume that your toddler is too young for you to think about sex ed). Rough delivers a highly readable, well researched, and wonderfully positive and inspiring book. She absolutely changed my perception of and approach to addressing bodies & sexuality in our household of three young kids. Sure, our kids knew the proper names for body parts and were never shamed for nudity. Sure, I knew that I wanted their sex ed to be more positive and progressive than the old “Talk” during their teenage years. But when it came to having an alternative plan, I was drawing a total blank. When my 7-yr-old asked how dogs get “married,” I found myself trying to change the subject, which seemed the least helpful or positive response. That very week, I stumbled across Rough’s book at my local public library. Now I see how many opportunities for conversation & information I was passing up, out of awkwardness or a misguided idea that my kids didn’t need to know “X” yet. Among the most important epiphanies I had while reading Rough’s book is that innocence and ignorance are separate things. More knowledge does not make a child less innocent, does not steal childhood from them. Quite the opposite: open conversation and facts can equip kids to make informed choices that, research shows, delay sexual encounters and may prevent abuse or exploitation. Is it awkward to talk to kids about sex? Sure, sometimes. But it is so, so much better than silence.
May 20, 2020
This is about the author's personal journey towards self-discovery, cultural exploration, and parents' and children's navigation of taboo and knowledge, relationships, and identity. Rough brings up many valid points and research, all of which are important to fostering critical thinking and analysis, as well as implementation of theory and practice.
As a Deaf reader, I found one hiccup, of which I made the author aware. (She responded swiftly and positively to having this pointed out, but I am including it in my review so that other readers will be aware.) There is a jarring and highly disappointing use of the term "hearing impaired" on page 207. The correct term is "hard of hearing." The former is outdated and harmful.
As written many times throughout the book, language matters. Telling children and/or adults that they or an aspect of their identity is "impaired" (read: broken, insufficient, inferior, devalued) has lasting effects on their self-esteem. It took me 23 years to realize that nothing is wrong with me and that Deaf is a valid cultural identity.
Given how language-conscious the book as a whole is, I am aware that the use of "hearing impaired" stems from ignorance rather than intent, but it is still disheartening to see how prevalently and thoughtlessly it is being used.
Other than that, the book is definitely a must-read, especially for parents and for those questioning gender norms.
As a Deaf reader, I found one hiccup, of which I made the author aware. (She responded swiftly and positively to having this pointed out, but I am including it in my review so that other readers will be aware.) There is a jarring and highly disappointing use of the term "hearing impaired" on page 207. The correct term is "hard of hearing." The former is outdated and harmful.
As written many times throughout the book, language matters. Telling children and/or adults that they or an aspect of their identity is "impaired" (read: broken, insufficient, inferior, devalued) has lasting effects on their self-esteem. It took me 23 years to realize that nothing is wrong with me and that Deaf is a valid cultural identity.
Given how language-conscious the book as a whole is, I am aware that the use of "hearing impaired" stems from ignorance rather than intent, but it is still disheartening to see how prevalently and thoughtlessly it is being used.
Other than that, the book is definitely a must-read, especially for parents and for those questioning gender norms.
August 20, 2022
Best parenting book ever! I learned so much, the author pushed me to new understandings of the importance of consent (in nonsexual contexts) for little ones, openness in conversation with teens about pleasure and sex, and facilitating their growth in all these areas.
Take aways for me are that I’ll consider not WHEN my kids start sexual activity as the goal but rather HOW POSITIVE of an experience it is for them. Cross-gender friendships are so much more important than I realized, setting the stage for equity as adults that can work with people of any gender and don’t just feel comfortable collaborating with their own. Differentiating nonsexual nudity from sex, and letting little kids fee free to wear or NOT wear what they want, even in the yard.
I wish everyone would read this book!
A few other notable tid bits:
- No shaming for anything, so don’t act grossed out by their dirty diapers.
- Support masturbation, including don’t make them go to their rooms when touching themselves as toddlers, when privacy is not a thing yet. Just let them, or say you’re glad their body feels good.
- “Doctor” /naked kid games are fine, just make sure everyone is consenting, not hurting anyone, and nothing in holes.
- Let teens have sleepovers and privacy at home for sexual endeavors. (Imagine how much more pleasure especially girls can learn to experience if they aren’t having to be furtive and quick!)
Take aways for me are that I’ll consider not WHEN my kids start sexual activity as the goal but rather HOW POSITIVE of an experience it is for them. Cross-gender friendships are so much more important than I realized, setting the stage for equity as adults that can work with people of any gender and don’t just feel comfortable collaborating with their own. Differentiating nonsexual nudity from sex, and letting little kids fee free to wear or NOT wear what they want, even in the yard.
I wish everyone would read this book!
A few other notable tid bits:
- No shaming for anything, so don’t act grossed out by their dirty diapers.
- Support masturbation, including don’t make them go to their rooms when touching themselves as toddlers, when privacy is not a thing yet. Just let them, or say you’re glad their body feels good.
- “Doctor” /naked kid games are fine, just make sure everyone is consenting, not hurting anyone, and nothing in holes.
- Let teens have sleepovers and privacy at home for sexual endeavors. (Imagine how much more pleasure especially girls can learn to experience if they aren’t having to be furtive and quick!)
April 18, 2021
I could not put this book down.
Beyond Birds and Bees compares the way kids in the US learn (and don’t learn) about sex and gender compared to their peers in the Netherlands. Using her own experiences growing up and raising kids, as well as scientific data, Rough brilliantly persuades the reader of the benefits of embracing an openness about gender and sexuality with our children. She ties gender inequality to the shame girls and women feel about their bodies, and shows the reader the way out is to begin a new national conversation about sexuality when our kids are young.
Even as a progressive parent and psychologist who is relaxed about talking about body changes and sex, I learned so much. It's a great help for talking to my young teens now, but I wish this book had been around when they were younger. I found myself wishing I'd been more proactive (as opposed to just open and honest when sex-related topics arose) when they were younger b/c Rough has so many fantastic ideas on how and when to intervene. As a feminist who has worked to find the subtle art of talking about (in)equality without shoving it down my kids throats, this book is indispensable.
Beyond Birds and Bees compares the way kids in the US learn (and don’t learn) about sex and gender compared to their peers in the Netherlands. Using her own experiences growing up and raising kids, as well as scientific data, Rough brilliantly persuades the reader of the benefits of embracing an openness about gender and sexuality with our children. She ties gender inequality to the shame girls and women feel about their bodies, and shows the reader the way out is to begin a new national conversation about sexuality when our kids are young.
Even as a progressive parent and psychologist who is relaxed about talking about body changes and sex, I learned so much. It's a great help for talking to my young teens now, but I wish this book had been around when they were younger. I found myself wishing I'd been more proactive (as opposed to just open and honest when sex-related topics arose) when they were younger b/c Rough has so many fantastic ideas on how and when to intervene. As a feminist who has worked to find the subtle art of talking about (in)equality without shoving it down my kids throats, this book is indispensable.
January 19, 2024
I am not a parent, but I take my Auntie role seriously (particularly as my littles begin developing physically and sexually and need a non-parent adult to talk to). I've also personally struggled with how the U.S. copes with (i.e., ignores or stigmatizes) adolescent sexual health and development. Reading this book was healing and enlightening. It also gave me a more confident foundation for helping the kids in my life through their own transitions and growth. I had some really powerful insights as I read. For example, I took for granted how we automatically separate genders so boys have "boy friends" and girls have "girl friends" (not to mention how we entirely neglect non-binary kids and their socialization). The discussion of how parents and schools in the Netherlands encourage cross-gender friendships was a huge "duh" moment for me. The book was very cis- and hetero- focused, primarily because the author used her two daughters as the foundation for her inquiry into childhood sexual development. But perhaps there will be a follow up at some point. I'd pick that up in a heart beat.
February 22, 2021
Excellent book contrasting the Dutch sex ed experience with the US. Huge takeaways are that children should be free to explore their bodies from the moment they’re born, children should be educated on everything from puberty changes to healthy relationships from a very early age, and frankly, that the US is painfully and agonizingly dragging behind.
As a sex ed teacher, I’ve experienced the constant walking on egg shells. With that, I do think the author was slightly too harsh on US sex educators. It is not that US sex educators do not want to teach with best practices, it is more (as the author acknowledged) that we fear for our jobs if we step out of line. Even showing one single supplemental resource that is not “board-approved” could cause major problems.
This is a systemic issue that trickles down to the classroom. The classroom is not the source.
As a sex ed teacher, I’ve experienced the constant walking on egg shells. With that, I do think the author was slightly too harsh on US sex educators. It is not that US sex educators do not want to teach with best practices, it is more (as the author acknowledged) that we fear for our jobs if we step out of line. Even showing one single supplemental resource that is not “board-approved” could cause major problems.
This is a systemic issue that trickles down to the classroom. The classroom is not the source.
September 17, 2018
**5/5**
Really awesome. I loved her honesty and openness throughout the book with her own misunderstandings and confusions and struggles and her quest to find the best solutions that work for her and her family. Her research was narrow in the sense that it really only offered stark comparisons between the Dutch and the American perspective on sexuality and how (and when) to educate children on the topic, but it was also broad in that she took info from American and Dutch experts as well as American and Dutch parents. It was really nice to have this knowledge as someone going into politics as well as someone who potentially would like to have kids one day. It's a really awesome book for anyone, not just parents, and I highly recommend.
Really awesome. I loved her honesty and openness throughout the book with her own misunderstandings and confusions and struggles and her quest to find the best solutions that work for her and her family. Her research was narrow in the sense that it really only offered stark comparisons between the Dutch and the American perspective on sexuality and how (and when) to educate children on the topic, but it was also broad in that she took info from American and Dutch experts as well as American and Dutch parents. It was really nice to have this knowledge as someone going into politics as well as someone who potentially would like to have kids one day. It's a really awesome book for anyone, not just parents, and I highly recommend.
April 7, 2019
I have a newborn and started this book partly as a way of processing my own upbringing / partly to prepare for my daughter's future. I had the sense that I was reading a book like this way too early (my daughter is 6 months) but was very surprised to find that much of the book relates to very very young children. To paraphrase the author, if you wait to talk about bodies and sex with your children until they're teenagers, it's almost too late. The conversations about body-positive messaging and accurate information must begin as soon as children are aware of their bodies (as soon as they can name body parts, etc). I'm SO glad I went ahead and read this book when I did. Also, I loved the audible version - very good narration.
November 8, 2021
I'd like to give this ~3.5ish stars. It's definitely a very white (American and Dutch) perspective and I wish there was more acknowledgement of that and at least some nods to how cultures other than these two are handling this. As someone who doesn't plan to have kids of my own, I picked this up mostly as a way to try to unlearn what I learned/learn what I didn't learn from my own parents and family. I'd say some of it was pretty basic or things I've heard before, but it's probably a great starter book for people who haven't done more than some cursory self-education. The last chapter has a useful summary/how-to guide for how to talk to kids throughout their life stages.
January 27, 2020
Provocative? Absolutely. Uncomfortable? At times. While I never had a pearl clutching moment there were definitely sections that made me have to stop and a take a deep breath. This book systematically examines comprehensive sexuality education and offers great resources for further exploration on topics that make many parents skittish. I loved the author’s inclusion of autonomy and consent, as well as access to information and normalization.
February 27, 2019
This is a quietly radical book that has lessons for all people, including folks like me who intend to remain child-free, about how we build a more open and egalitarian society. If you're interested in gender parity, strategies for uncoupling shame from sexuality, and evidence-based practices for improving health outcomes for all, it's worth reading.
September 20, 2019
I wish I had this book and this perspective 25 years ago when I was raising my sons. While I don't agree with all of her conclusions (I would not feel comfortable encouraging teens to have sex), I think she's onto something. Americans are both obsessed with sex and ashamed to talk about it. This leads to a huge information gap for our kids which does not serve them.
October 13, 2019
Well-researched and fervent book in support of better sex ed in America, from the way we talk to toddlers to adults allowing teen sleepovers (with sex). The Dutch approach is put forth as a model. Arguments are well structured, and the tone is very humble and down-to-earth, not preachy or yelly. Worth a few hours of your time, parents.
November 14, 2019
Fantastic, thought-provoking read I recommend to all parents of young children. This is a difficult topic and we all have so many hang-ups, but we owe it to our kids to figure out a better way -- reading this book is an important first step. I'm planning to read it again and have shared it with my husband, who is also getting a lot out of it.
November 22, 2019
This is probably one of my favorite books this year. I was expecting a how-to guide instead I found one woman’s journey trying to figure out what to teach and tell her daughters in our restrictive American society. There plenty of tips and ideas, cute and sad stories, and yes, important facts. I highly recommend giving it a read.
December 11, 2019
I really enjoyed this comparison of the Dutch approach to sex education versus the puritanical American approach. This is an important book for parents, policy makers, and anyone who cares about how young people learn about their bodies and their emerging sexuality. The author’s website has several recommended resources (books and websites) for kids and adults.
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